What can I say about a girl I loved since I was ten.....
that I love the way she laughs at me when I commit mistakes, the way she fusses
over silly things and even the way she cries over some sad silly late night
show? Somehow, I wished I could have told her that I love her but now there's
no hope in doing so. For now, it's rather too late- too late for me to do so.
She was my best friend and I have known her since we were
small. She knew all my secrets, which reveals my feelings for her, that I love
her not only because she's pretty and smart but also the way she laughs at
everything and the way she sees life and love.
I could still remember the first time we met; I was five
years old then. It was one windy afternoon having no one to play with except
for my best friend, Troy. He and his family just moved out to transfer at a
neighboring state because his father got promoted. And so I climbed up our tree
house, I saw a moving truck coming down the street. I watched it approaching
and noticed a family station wagon following it. It stopped in front of the
house and out came a family. I was about to glance away when out came the
loveliest girl I've seen. She was four years old that time but then even at an
early age she was a beauty. She had long curly hair, which reached almost to
her waist. She had fair complexion and eyes which could make a man lose his
heart into them. I continued to watch her when suddenly she looked up and saw
me watching them in the tree house window. I was about to duck when she smiled
and waved her hand. I waved back then watched in amazement as I saw her running
towards the tree house. So I went to the edge of the ladder and said,
"Would you like to come up?" she answered, "May I?" So I
help her climb up and when she reached the top she then turned to me and said,
"By the way, my name's Sam, what's yours?" I answered, “My name is
Christopher but then you can call me Chris." She smiled and said, “Well I
like your name. Hey your tree house's neat!" then I replied, “Thanks! Troy
and I made this. This used to be our hide out. We used to goof around, play
ball and go biking together. He was my best friend and I kind of miss him you
know." She smiled and said "I'm here now, we could do things you do
with troy and I could be your new best friend too. I never had a boy for a
friend before so it could be exciting to have one. I could learn how to play
ball and I have my bicycle so we could go biking together. Now how does that
sound to you?" I smiled and said, "Well that sounds good
enough." Then she held her hand and said, "It's a deal then!" So
that's how it started.
So we became best friends and it was kind of strange at
first for she was a girl and there are things which I was little bit hesitant
to indulge her like catching frogs, swimming in the lake and climbing trees,
but then she tried and did everything just to please me. There was even a time
when she fell off the bike trying to catch up with me in a race we had and I
was the one who bandaged her scraped knee. I could still remember the time when
she hit the window of our neighbor when we were playing baseball and it was I
who talked to Mr. Chambers and promised to pay for the damage, which meant
having to loose a week’s allowance. I remembered the time when I fell off the
tree when I tried to rescue a little kitten because Sam was near to tears when
she saw the helpless kitten trapped in a branch. I even fought with the tough
guy when they teased Sam and made her cry and I ended up having a black eye and
a bruised cheek. I remember Sam crying as she placed an ice bag over the
damaged eye and later gave it a get-well kiss. I did everything to please her
and gave everything her little heart desires.
The lake was our favorite hang out. We had our Saturday swim
routine. We would pack food and later eat them under the big oak tree. There
was a special branch in which the two of us could sit together and tell each
other's dreams. She dreams of being a Ballerina and she knows my dream of
becoming a doctor. She never laughs at my dreams and pursuits even if they were
quite impossible. It made me like her even more.
As years went by, I noticed that my feelings towards her
were slowly changing. Somehow, I thought it was just a simple crush case. But
when I started thinking about her at night, dreaming of her and having the
feeling of wanting to be with her all the time, I thought it was something
different, something that made me feel strange, but then it was exhilarating
feeling. It made me feel so alive. Whenever our hands touch, I could feel the
tingling sensation in my spine. Once, when we were at the lake having our
Saturday swim routine and as I carried her towards the water edge, I had the
feeling of not wanting to let go. I just wanted that moment to continue hoping
it would never end. I then realized I was slowly falling in love with my best
friend.
Many times I tried to deny the feeling for I was scared to
imagine what would happen if ever I'd try to tell her how I feel about her. I
was scared because she might think that I'm taking advantage of her and our
friendship. I was afraid of losing her so I just kept my feeling hidden.
We reached the age of fifteen and I noticed that Sam grew
lovelier each day. How my heart aches wherever I see boys glance her way. I
want to punch their noses as I watch them talking to her giving compliments,
flowers and chocolates. There were times when I watch her at a distance mixed
feelings of anger and hurt because it hurts so much to know that there were so
many things I wanted to tell her but then I could not do so. There were so many
presents which I long to give her but then I could not for she might see me only
as a friend. I was also scared of letting her know how I feel about her as much
as losing her.
Then one day, I just learned from a friend that she already
had a boyfriend. At first, I tried to convince myself that it was just a rumor.
Her boyfriend was Mark, a popular senior, who was the heartthrob of the campus.
She, being the cheerleader was close to the basketball team which Mark was the
captain. When I saw them walking together at the parking lot that afternoon, I
watched her with my heart slowly breaking into pieces. I saw her wave at me but
I just pretended not to see her for I was scared that she might see in my eyes
the pain I'm feeling inside because of seeing her with another guy.
Those days that followed where the saddest days of my life.
How my heart aches when I see her walk by me with him at her side. every time
we meet in hallways and I see him around her, there's a feeling inside me that
makes me want to grab her away from him. How it hurts to see the girl I long
possess was now owned by somebody else. That special smile I long for her to
cast on me was now casted on him as she passes by me she doesn’t know that I
whisper the words "God how I love you."
Then one faithful day they broke up. She came too me that
evening crying on my shoulder. They had a big fight and it ended up to their
break up. Mixed feelings were scaring me inside. I was happy because she was
free and maybe I would have the chance of telling her my true feelings for her
but then I was feeling so bad because she is crying her heart out just for him.
At that time, I was not quite sure of what I wanted to do.
So we found ourselves doing what we did in old days with our
Saturday swim routine, spending time in our tree house. We still enjoyed doing
childish pranks for we still are both young at heart.
So many chances I had for me to confess my feelings for her
but still I couldn't bring myself to her for I was scared of losing her once more.
I once lost her, now I could not bear of losing her again by telling her I love
her. So I just kept my feelings even if it was bursting to be expressed from my
aching heart.
It was a week from our JS Prom, we were seated at the branch
of an oak tree drying ourselves after our afternoon swim when she said, "I
was wondering Chris if you would like to be my partner?" It just got out
of my wits for it was like a dream I never thought would happen. It took me
awhile to answer her, "I thought there are so many boys who would die for
you to be their partner?" So she turned away and quietly said, "Well
I just thought I would like to spend that night with my best friend." Then
she continued in a whisper I could barely hear, "Don't you want to die
just like them to be my partner Chris?" I was too stunned to speak for it
came close for me to blurt my feelings for her. We we're silent for a while
until I finally whispered, "I would be happy to be your partner Sam."
The she smiled and suddenly kissed my cheek. I could hardly contain the joy I
felt that time. I saw her turned red and bowed her head. Suddenly she stood up
and run towards the water saying, "Last one to reach the water treats to
sundae fudge!" I ran slowed up so that I would lose which meant having to have
her with me for another three hours or more.
Our Prom night came. I bought a new tuxedo and poured almost
the entire bottle of perfume. I went to fetch Sam. Sam's mother greeted me and
I went to sit in the living room waiting for her to come down. I was talking to
her father when I heard her say, "How do I look?" I look up and saw
her lovelier than ever in a strapless white dress with her hair flowing around
her face. I stood up and opened my mouth but found out I could not find my
voice. Then I got her hand shakily fastened the corsage around her wrist and
whispered, "To the loveliest girl in the whole world." She then
asked, “Is that true?" I nodded and she smiled and I smiled back then I
turned to open the door for her.
When we arrived at the gymnasium we hardly recognized our
classmates. Gone were the jeans and T-shirts. They were replaced with tuxedos
and gowns. Then I held out her hand bowed and said," Would you give me the
honor of your first dance?" She laughed and curtseyed. Then I led her to
the dance floor.
It was like a dream coming true, a moment of enchantment. I
was there dancing with the only girl I ever loved. She was smiling up to me, as
we were slowly moving in a smooth gliding motion. I found myself lost as I
stared down to her sparkling eyes. The curls of her long hair were like waves
enhancing her beautiful face. There were so many things I wanted to tell her
that moment. I wanted to tell that she was the most beautiful girl that night.
I wanted to tell her that she would always be the beacon of light in my
darkness, but what I wanted to tell her the most was that I love her. I drew up
all my courage and bent to whisper it in her ear but suddenly the music stopped
and the magic was gone. I came close to telling her, but still haven't done it.
We walked towards the table and found ourselves surrounded
by friends. I asked her if she wanted a drink, she nodded and so I went to get
one. It took me a long time to get one and when I returned to our table, she
was gone. I asked her friend, Katie, where she was but she told me that she
doesn't know. So I went and search for her.
As I was searching for her, I reached the garden. There I
saw two silhouette figures outlined by the moon's silvery light. They were so
close to each other. I could never describe the feeling I had when I recognized
the white dress Sam was wearing that night. I just turned and left the
gymnasium. Since that night, I avoided her. Many times she tried talking to me
but I never gave her the chance to do so. I was afraid to hear her say that she
loves Mark and not me. I would rather have left in ignorance of her true
feelings for me than to hear from those dreaded words and feel my hope crush
and my heart break. I didn't return her calls. I would not see her if she comes
into our house. In the hallways, as she approaches I would go to another
direction. It also hurts to do those things but then I thought that was the
best way to forget her. Those months were tormenting but still I kept my pride.
The day of our graduation came. I was planning to take up
medicine at a neighboring state and was to move out the next day. As the
program ended, she approached me and handed me a rose. As she stared at me.
There was something in her eyes I couldn't describe. There was sadness in them
and when she smiled it wasn't the same smile she had. I wanted to hug her at
that moment, tell her that I love her but then she turned and walked away from
me.
So I moved out the next day as I planned. Luckily, I was
accepted at the university. I concentrated with my studies but still I think of
her at night. I was always wondering if she thinks of me too. I tried hard not
to think of her but still I could not stop myself from loving her. Each
achievement I have was done for her. I thought that if I will be successful one
day, I would be able to tell her that I love her and by that time, I'm worthy
of having her.
It was a year after our graduation when I decided to return
home and see her again. I thought a year is too much for me not to see her and
during the past year I felt like a person lost in the desert and only the sight
of her could quench the thirst I have inside. As I got off the plane, I went
home directly, desperate to get to her house desperate to see her, to hug her.
Then I would tell her that I missed her and that I have loved her for a long
time. This time I am determined to let her know my true feelings for her and I
could not contain anymore the love I have for her.
I reached their house; I saw her older sister and I
approached her. I smiled at her but I noticed she didn't smile back. I was
confused for she used to be a cheerful lasy just like my dear Sam. I then
asked," Hi Jen! I guess you're surprised why I'm here. Well I just want to
visit you and I was also hoping to see Sam. I kind of miss her you know.
Ummm.........bby the way have you seen her?" All I saw was sadness in her
eyes as she replied quietly "Come follow me."
I was confused with the way she's acting but still I
followed her. As we were walking, I was trying to indulge her in a conversation
but just answered my questioned briefly. Then I realized that she was leading
me to the direction of the lake. It was still the same as I left it, with the
same oak tree Sam and I used to climb up. I smiled upon remembering the kiss
Sam gave me when I agreed to be her partner. It's been one of the happiest days
in my life and I realized that I missed Sam more than I thought. The Jen stopped
walking and pointed to the tree. She then whispered, "There's Sam."
I looked at where she was pointing and saw a newly dug tomb
with the name of the girl I ever loved. I could not believe at what I saw and
desperately tried convincing myself that this is all just a nightmare and I
would soon wake up.
I stared at Jenny in disbelief with her eyes searching for
explanations and slowly started saying," It has been a week since she
died. She died of Leukemia, but even though she was sick, she never stopped
thinking about you. It was even your name she uttered before she died. She
asked us to bury her here for she always regards this place as a place of LOVE.
She said that this is where she had spent the happiest days and that was when
she was with you. By the way, she also asked me to give you this." She
handed me a parcel and with that she left.
I slowly opened the parcel and saw that it contained the
dried orchid from the corsage I gave her for our prom. Then at the bottom I saw
a letter. It was dated last month. I opened it with shaking hands and started
reading........
******************************
I know by this time you read this letter I'm gone. I just
want to tell you that I feel very lucky and thankful to God that I had a friend
like you. I would also like you to know that I had left something inside,
something I kept from you all these years. I love you Chris, not in a friendly
way but as one who would feel like spending the rest of my life with. I have
always loved you even from the start. I guess it just bloomed each day that's
why the happiest days of my life was when you were by my side. You just don't
know how I dreamed of you at night and wake up in the morning and dream no more
for you are with me. When you are away, I can't stop crying because I'm afraid
to think that you are with another girl. I just can't bear to see you with
another girl. I just want you all to myself. I may sound selfish but that's how
I feel. Each time you held me close to you was like a dream coming true for to
be close to you and feel your heart beating next to mine was heaven. So many
things I did so that you will learn to love me but I NEVER saw a hint. I did
everything to please you because I love you so much that I even tried to full
myself that you're in love with me too. So many nights I've cried when I think
of myself unloved by you. Well you might think that what I'm saying are lies
but, I tell you, my heart speaks the truth for I cannot bear telling a lie to
the one I love.
I know you might be thinking of Mark but I just did that to
make you jealous, to make you see me as a young woman, capable of loving and
not as the little girl you used to play with. Sometimes I imagined that you
were jealous and fooled myself that it was a sign that you feel something for
me too. When Mark and I broke up and I came crying, I just did that to know how
you would react and with that I'll know that you love me too. But I failed for
you didn't give me any clue. When our prom night came, you just don't know how
happy I was when you handed me the corsage and saying that I was the loveliest
girl in the whole world. While we were dancing, I wanted so desperately to hear
you say that you love me too but you NEVER did. When Mark came and pleaded me to
give him a second chance, I was scared that you might see us talking. I didn't
want you to get the wrong impression so I told him we would talk in the garden.
There I explained to him that it's you whom I really love. What happened next
was that I found you missing and later learned that you were searching for me,
I just concluded that you saw us together. The next day, I tried to explain but
then you never gave me a chance to do so. You continuously avoided me and never
knew how much pain I've experienced that time. I felt the world crushing on me.
In our Graduation day, when I approached you, I wanted to tell you how much I
love you but I decided that I just couldn't do it. I could not bear to hear
that all you feel for me is just brotherly hand of love. For I want you to love
me as a woman and not as a girl or playmate. So I just turned away and left.
Now that saying I LOVE YOU might be too late, still I want
you to know that I will always love you and my heart has always been and will
be yours alone.
P.S.
Think of me sometimes.... and always remember that loving
you was the best thing that ever happened in my life.
************************************
I felt my tears falling as I folded the letter. I wanted to
shout out to let her know that I love her, if not as much, but more than she
did for me. I love her more than anything in this world. I knelt touching the
soil of her grave and rain started to fall. I continued crying softly and
whispered, "Oh God, send my love to heaven."
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