RECALIBRATING MY HEART, THE CHRISTIAN WAY by TJFA

I often see sad post of women of their past relationships, of how bad things ended, and how they were betrayed. I my self was tagged of these post since my friends knew that I experienced the same.

It breaks my heart seeing these girls remained trapped of their past, since moving on is truly hard because they stayed longer in the relationship. Some relationships took 5 years and for others 8 years. But as for me, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up when we were about to enter our 12th anniversary.

It's  sad and I died the moment I knew that I could not save it. There are things left unsaid and there are questions left unanswered. We started young so we often times got tangled into a fight since we could not handle emotions and most of the time jealousy. Yet, we were happy. I could not compare the happiness I felt before when we are together. Years past and suspicions grew since jealousy often finds us. He got jealous of everyone and I got jealous of his collogues that lead to a much bigger issue. I went out with friends to have a good time just to seek his attention since I felt he got fond of his co employee. That issue got settled and we remained in the relationship. 

All I thought was we were strong since we already planned of getting married. Despite all of our plans, he has his reasons and he has his doubts, but those things were okay, what is not okay was that he changed. Everything was cold and it gets more colder and colder until he asked for space. He said he could not see himself happy if he will marry me. That in all his reasons it boils down to his petty observations that I am not going to be a good wife. He could not say straight to me that he loved someone else. I am narrating this to you now as if I had never gone into a lot of pain, but to tell the truth depression consumed me.

I have nothing left during those times, all I have was broken heart and an empty pocket. I resigned with my job, and I failed my bar exam, I am alone too since I could not open up to anybody. I enclosed myself inside my closet all day, I no longer eat and I have no interest of everything. I felt numb that I could no longer felt the wind blowing, I isolated myself away from the world. I conditioned my mind not to think at all and I just lay dead on the floor looking at the ceiling for days. Days turned to months and my head is slowly parting from reality, I have voices in my head and I looked at the things as if they were moving.

Days past and I found myself praying, I cried to the Lord and bleed out my heart until tears run dry. All I pray was to forget and for the pain to stop. I help myself by going into a psychiatrist for intervention, I have my friends who graduated psychology and they too gives support.

But its still all you and your way of handling your emotions.

 

LET GO AND LET GOD 

When you let go, let go of everything. The first thing I did was to accept that he no longer loved me. I conditioned my mind to love the remaining part of myself that was left unbroken. I let go of all the things that reminds me of him. Including the music that plays from 2006 to 2018. I let go of the places and everything that has something to do with him. I changed not just my social media accounts but the way I deal with life without him.

SELFELOVE AND ACCEPTANCE

When I looked at myself in the mirror, I told myself, You are beautiful. Those things he said about who I am and what I am is not important because its his opinion. I am not perfect but I am capable of so many things. I learn to counter the bad things he said that I cannot do by the things I can. I learned how to love and appreciate myself.

Learn to accept that he is no longer there as always, that all the promises were gone. Accept that he does not love you anymore.

FRIEND SUPPORT

Find someone who never gets tired of listening. Who will be with you and have fun with you to forget. A friend whom you can console you and give worthy advices.

NEVER CLOSE THE DOORS

I always kept the picture of Jesus and the little girl with a small teddy bear, it reminds me that I have to let go of the smaller bear because Jesus prepared my Jonathan for me.

 

FAMILY IS EVERYTHING

 

Every time sadness takes over, I simply enjoy being with my family and feel that despite what happened I am beyond blessed because my family loved me and they supported me all the way.

 

All I can say is that I am proud of my self because I survived the pain. It was a long process but I can I assure you your heart can forget, because it is your mind who should be in control when you are broken, and not your heart.

The body has the ability to reject the pain and learn to adopt to change. It's human nature to survive.

We should not remain broken, and bitter to the past. Let us all learn to forget, but take note of the lessons. We are happier when we chose to humble our hearts than to to submit to anger. We should be in control, skip time, never look back and move on. Life is easier when we let go.

Now, I know he is happy, but I am happier.

I once loved him, but that was a  long long time ago. I learn to recalibrate my heart to heal and love again.

Whenever I see him, I see him just ordinary, I shake hands and often take a step to mend ties. Nothing more, its just the way how Christian approaches to people who hurts them, with warmth and cheerful heart.

To all the ladies that is still hurting. You are all beautiful. You are all perfect. Nothing is wrong with you. They left because you are destined to someone else. You will be okay, believe me because I've been there. And believe in God, because His plan is perfect.

 

Broken

:)

Sparrow is back..but she's very tired.

The Test

Life is a Test they say…..it’s true! That’s what you always get when you inter law school =D

Some passed, many had flunked.

 If you passed congratulations, you are one of the few, and if you don’t, just don’t be sad..you are not alone, there are others like you.

BAR determines who are worthy to become lawyers, that’s why most of the law students fear taking the BAR. But why afraid of failure when you always fail? Hahaha, a cute line from our acute professor in property. What I’m trying to say is why not give a try?!…who cares what other people say when you don’t pass the BAR? They are good for nothing, they are all piece of ugly crabs who wants to pull you down.

 My father said to me, I gamble my money the time you enter Law school, but I know you are my best card that’s why win or lose I’m still proud.  I asked him to buy my books, allowance, tuition fees and everything including extra money to buy sign pen, he just happily give and asks nothing in return, not even high grades. I’m afraid too, not to fail but to disappoint him. But he always remind me, I will not sue you for my money when you don’t pass the BAR, but if you pass, it’s yours not mine.

So, what I always put in my head is that, I don’t care what other people may say, what matters most is my father, and Papa and those people who believes in me. I must give a try.

 I am now in 3rd year, more tears to fall, more challenges to face and more laziness to overcome. It’s not that fun when you are often chased by pressure but it’s good to know that there others who run along and I enjoy my DURA LEX SED LEX classmates.

This happens to be my very own self advice, haha..its tiring you know, working hard and preparing for something stupid BAR thing..hahaha..but when you dig deep down your heart of what you really wanted, what you really dream of, surely  you will gain more courage to go on though you never know what lies ahead.

Without Love What Is There To Live For?

By this time this letter reaches you, my physical body may have either been buried six feet below or lying in state in a funeral parlor or church receiving empty and hallow words of a necrological service.

But my death will never be in vain if you print this letter into your column.

I was a teenage daughter of a ranking government official and like most children of government officials and business executives, I was left to manage my young life.

My father was an honest, dedicated and able public servant. There was no question about his integrity. Everybody knows about that. To show his loyalty to public service, he worked 6a.m. to 11 p.m.everyday from Monday to Saturday. He was indeed a model.

My mother on the other hand, may be bored of not seeing my father except during curfew hours, or maybe she was out to prove something. -joined women's group engaged in civic activities,public service and all sorts of ceremonies and social functions.

As a young girl, I almost have everything in life one would ever dreamed of  and cherish, but one thing; parental love, care and affection.Nothing in this world can replace a parents love and I was absolutely denied of that.

My father never found time to take me out for a vacation where we can freely talk to each other, he was too busy indoctrinating his subordinates and proving to his kind how a fine and ample public servant he was.

Without love, what is there to live for? so I joined the group of young boys and girls for there are tens of thousands-similarly situated to myself. Our parents never forgot a single speaking engagement, and occasions but they forgot their girl's birthday-their children.

I then turned myself to alcohol to forget how unlucky I was, even about to taste drugs and sex and eager to commit crimes to sustain my addiction and to attract my parents attention, but all are in vain. Father bailed out my grievances to others, fixed everything where I was involved and gave me money and pay for persons to look after me when I'm far. He asked me several times what's wrong with me, but he never knew what's wrong with him.

Hopeless as I was in this situation, I decided to wake him up from his endless dream of loyalty, dedication and service. But it must be in a manner of a young but lost generation: death.
I still have a brother though.
I dedicate my death to him. My he be given happiness that I utterly missed.

Bandages For My Heart

(taken October 17 during teachers day, I wish they were mine)

It's been seven years and still I am tightly holding this rose in my hand.
When I first saw the flower, I easily fall not only because of its charm and fragrance but  because it is one of a  kind and incomparable from other flowers that I saw and adore.

Time passes by and still I never let go of the flower. There are even times that my hands bleed because of its thorn but inside me I know I really love this flower that's why I'm afraid to let go and get hurt even more.

It makes me smile, and it keeps me laugh, its gives my heart a peculiar feeling whenever it touches my cheeks. I never dreamed of finding another flower similar to what I am holding because I choose to be loyal and I devoted myself of loving the flower. Yet, time passed swiftly that I had to let him go, not in my heart but in my hands.

I missed him so much and I wish he could be with me even just for a little time. My hands heal already but my heart is slowly falling into pieces. I wish for his time to come back for me, for his love, and for his sweetness but his too far from me.  

turn around so nobody may see the tears

Sometimes I think of turning away, leaving everything behind because I am not happy anymore but I really really can't.    


Yesterday I tried to break free, try not to care and try to heal the pain so I did sit next to another flower, talk silly things and laugh with him. It was a different feeling, a bandage to my heart.

 I luckily find another flower  to fill up the missing spaces, another flower worthy to keep, worthy of my trust, and worthy to become my friend.

Pop Life

Young people constantly finds their way of broadening their interest and seeks of ways to develop friendship and acceptance.

The horizon is intriguing largely because of the mystery of the new experiences that lie beyond.

In this ever broadening world, I find myself restless, adventurous and dis satisfied with the status quo.

Parents do always tell me that it should always be best if I will follow the rules. But i am sticking on that stupid rules my whole life and it deprives me of fun.

And oh, now its raining!..I hate it. It ruins my happiness.

Surely, I am working my whole life towards my independence, but still..here I am, striving hard to build a future. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm sick of it. I want to go somewhere, somewhere that no body may trouble my mind.